Avoidant ex reddit. Never, ever, EVER give your avoidant ex a second chance.

Avoidant ex reddit. I am a 41m, anxious attachment style. Somethings are truly blessings in disguise — whether you had to learn from it or change from it. I had an avoidant attachment style with her for the entirety of our relationship. don’t call me 50 times; don’t send me 100 texts, don’t drop by my house/job. In minimal to no contact with my ex for 4 months. It's a struggle to do it now, honestly. He decided last minute he did not want to live together and decided to end the relationship. He was as avoidant as can be, like his picture should be in the dictionary under avoidant. They also value lots of alone time and space. For context, when we first started dating (in our early 20’s) my ex would frequently break up with me for stupid things such as I didn’t fully tell him everyone that was going to be where I was (but I did). The no-contact is best and you can allow yourself some self-care to get through the loss and grieve so you can start to work towards your next chapter. The whole 9 months felt like a relationship, however, based on our time spent together, exclusivity, and depth of intimacy. My therapist thinks that I need to tell my ex in person all that is hurting me and on my mind because I am struggling and can’t get passed certain things she said I should start with a letter that I won’t send but it didn’t help so now she wants me to speak to him in person so I can have peace within myself…my concern is that this will just push him away even more and I know what you My ex and I dated from April to December of last year (2022), but were only *official* from August forward. He did not wanted to tak either to go over whether things could be fixed, he ran away instead and offered to be friends only. Broke up with him for it and he came back so I I don't know if it's true for your ex but the emotions that they stuff down just resurface in other ways. Then meeting and trying to reconcile and talk about what happened in our relationship and our breakup. We were together for 9 years. He sees no issue with himself. ----------------------- The style of connecting/attaching with other people is a direct reflection of our earliest experiences with our caregivers, as well as other influential relationships in our life. And know, when a DA reaches out, they generally care and think about you. While I was initially very sad about the breakup, I have now realized it was for the better. They probably discarded you like dirt. Things seemed normal, minus sex. To everyone who was dumped by a dismissive/avoidant partner. But this other dude was pulling her away from me. The worst breakup is with an avoidant ex. Ew, yucky behaviour on his part. DAs working on themselves are not trying to play with you or breadcrumb you. Then evaluating if we should go back to being in a relationship and if it is healthy to do so. Showed a lot of potential in the beginning, but split once things started to get more serious. When they cried, their caregivers told them to "Stop crying and get over it!". For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. He even warned me at the beginning of the relationship but I was completely unaware about this attachment style and I ignored him. They internalized this message deep within them, and explains why they act so bizarre and often cruel. I broke up with a guy I dated for 4 months about 5 weeks ago. Basically heat of the moment fight. I finally realized my issue in the last year and I am working on it. habitashi1. Avoidant dumpers do come back. She broke up with me because we moved too fast and I overdid it with words of affirmation. We dated only a few months, but became good friends and got very close to each other. He cut you off for a reason, and it was to heal. I’m a dumper and need some input. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword My dismissive avoidant ex broke up with me and this is what I learnt. *I know there is no point to wait for your ex to reach out, but we are humans and at some point it will mean a lot that the On the other hand you appear highly AP, I would suggest you work asap with a therapist on your attachment style. The only thing you can do to truly heal from an avoidant is complete and total NC and this is from experience. Dating and exes returning is not black and white for everyone. Then, denied it knowing damn well I'd had enough abuse/remembered my worth. The ways that anxious and avoidant people love and breakup are fundamentally different. Flash forward through October we had low level communication. Reply. This turned her stone cold. When in actual reality, they probably had the exact same distrust and fear of intimacy with the person r/attachment_theory. We will also be working on ourselves (well, many of us). Stay strong! It's okay also to miss someone and love them dearly but also be so adamantly disappointed with who they are that you never want them back. A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to Maybe she's actually being genuine. true. I have healed and grown a lot. While they may not choose to be this way, they can certainly choose to seek ways to improve and perhaps even overcome their avoidant tendencies. If you’re partner is truly secure and you both are a good match, then they will listen to all of this without judgement. He called me needy and clingy a few times when he was in a cold state. loopnlil. When we broke up, I found him on Bumble about a couple weeks post breakup, after he said that he wouldn't date or anything for a year. Its oddly because he likely loved and cared about you, but nonetheless his detachment is real for now. I have been working on myself and realise the reasons she left. They don't come back because they're sorry and they've grown or changed and want to try again. Build a dynamic of having fun together. Think of this as a blessing. 50K subscribers in the AnxiousAttachment community. I am 50. Then offering to go back (if she wants to too). Within a few weeks, he broke it off. If someone treated you like shit you should NOT be friends with them. To see my avoidant ex seemingly tickety boo immediately after the breakup pulverised my already bruised heart, yet, for my overthinking brain this article was indescribably helpful in narrating their side of the story. They come back out of guilt, or to breadcrumb you, or to get an ego stroke. I believe my ex has a severe avoidant attachment style. 2. Maybe it’s a guy avoidant thing and less a female avoidant thing. Preference for casual relationships. He told me he’s tried to distract himself and forget about me but nothing is working and that he wants to be with me. Hi, I’m 25M dealing with my second break up of the same relationship with my dismissive avoidant girlfriend (24). Avoidant Attachers: When you break up with someone, do you mean it? When you break up with someone, is it impulsive, or did you consider it for awhile? How long does it take you to process a breakup? Do you miss your exes? If yes, do you do anything about it, why or why not? Do you think about your exes? "Does my avoidant ex miss me?" Time has taught me otherwise. Nothing good will come from it other than multiple heartbreaks. I (23f) dated this guy (23m) for only 4 months, and yet he has impacted my sense of self worth significantly. Therapy would require vulnerability. talked about our future, getting married, used words like “forever” and “always”… for the first two years, and then some. The shut-down phase can come very suddenly. If they’re unaware they generally don’t bother it usually looks a lot like ghosting. Make her wonder what you're up to. Hearing from you this late in the game probably won’t mean as much to him as it does to you. hiya-manson. Don't take them back unless and until they get help and work on themselves. We saw each other a few times, had some heavy conversations in which he actually did express a lot of vulnerability and share he had missed me every day, and decided to Please help me understand my dismissive avoidant ex girlfriend. Your behavior is typical for the anxious/avoidant trap. It depends on the breakup- if I'm the one breaking up with someone then I process it during the 3-12 months before the break up. My exgirlfriend of 2 years broke with me more than an year ago. Our breakup was not messy at all. I feel like my avoidant ex hates me. 28. When I go hiking, I think of other people who do this more and I am not "adventurous" enough. Be the mystery. Other attachment styles are also welcome and encouraged. Avoidant ex came back. I would give my avoidant a 2nd chance. He continued reaching out maybe every 3-7 days. Build the relationship first. Take the time apart to figure out what went wrong. Just be as reserved as possible, let her carry the conversation, and don't talk about relationships at all. My avoidant ex broke up with me for the last time 9 days ago. One small trigger is enough for them to call it quits again. If you haven’t read attached I highly recommend it. I actually feel less lonely being single, because I am no longer putting all of my energy into someone who was always running away. But still, if you're reading this, you have likely managed to break up or they've broken up with you, so let's do a good old checklist. Never, ever, EVER give your avoidant ex a second chance. If I'm broken up with then I'm a mess. Yes to continue to try, grow, connect, love, and mature with each other. I can't stress enough how much better you deserve. Her and I met at work where she started perusing me and wanting my attention, we started dating and were only together for 2 months. I’m fearful avoidant and regret a break up. [deleted] •. It was only after I bought us a house!!! ( yes, I bought us a house, and moved to a new city with him to “start our lives together”) that he . My dismissive avoidant ex told me in one breath that he loved me immensely, that I surpassed all expectations of a partner, that our connection was real and rare, and that we had potential for forever; then in the next breath that he realized we would’ve never made it, that he wasn’t really happy, and that a relationship shouldn’t require both parties to “work on it and it should be Especially after 5 months, then they don't deserve your time. I blocked my DA ex so he won’t reach out anymore. Usually, he'd do this while completely flooded, impulsively, as a deactivation reaction. I'm 3 months post-breakup and 2. The relationship ended. My FA bf deactivated a few months ago during a fight and we broke up only to get back together two weeks later after I was persistent on staying together. Make her lose sleep the way you lost sleep over her. When I workout, I think of people who are more physically fit than me and get discouraged. Things were said. _Karl_with_a_K_. But never for the reasons you want. Completely blindsided. About 4 months in he actually met my kids and we went out of town together. It was a pretty ugly break up. I was her 3rd boyfriend and she was 20 years old. Background: My ex and I broke up in the middle of the lockdown because of a fight: I am an anxious style, he is avoidant. The truth is, our way of seeing the world are completely different. He definitely let his guard down with me and opened up, which he had only done with a few other people in his life The paragraph below is from a Google answer: “Somatic therapy is a holistic therapy that studies the relationship between the mind and body in regard to psychological past. All of these things are from the repression of emotion. Yes. They’re not capable of real long life lasting relationships. ago. You will have a chance to get your power back. There's only so much you can handle somebody not being there for you like you want to be there for them. Help. OP DA's are very controlling over their level of attachment to partners (and associated feelings), and its likely he has been detaching for some time. She has an avoidant attachment style and my therapist confirmed the same. How to get your avoidant ex back instructions. He said all those things including "you deserve so much, maybe even more than I offered you", "of course we'll be friends, you never know, maybe someday we'll even get back together", "you're so much more under the layer of a girlfriend, you're a friend, a smart woman, a cool person and so many other valuable things". This includes those too much attention, too many compliments, demanding my space/time/energy, too many compliments (not trusting someone is also a trigger). You don't. • 1 yr. No contact bound by court order. Please respect our space Did you experience gaslighting by avoidant ex? Me (25m) and my ex gf (23f), who dumped me 2 months ago, used to work in the same place. Only a narcissist/ avoidant/sociopath would do something like that… you dont even know THE DAMAGE YOU DO, you can totally destroy somebody’s life… but of course you wouldn’t understand, because you don’t care about anyone but yourself and your own good. I’m learning in therapy that apparently an avoidant can re-trigger an insecure attachment. My DA/FA ex and I had a very dysfunctional relationship and he’d break up with me constantly. My ex (43 m) and I (35 f) dated for 2 years. after some discussions I proposed to wait three years to start our friendship Fearful avoidant ex blocked me. All these thoughts ruin almost every experience. support/encouragement. When he was out of state, he was non-existent, and I wouldn't hear from him. We did not fight or argue. This is not healthy and will not help you at all. So when they’re in their avoidance it can push even another avoidant or secure into an anxious attachment. I understand the blindsiding comes from their inability to communicate difficult feelings/needs so it seems to be out of nowhere but has building for weeks/months. Please respect our space No, he is not coming back. I was dumped. Hey, I just came across this thread and can relate. We were dating but I dumped her after she was just not there for me one too many times. Your healing and anxiety will only start to withdraw after you realllllllly delete and remove yourself from them. Letting go of anxious/avoidant cycle. They probably blindsided you, put all the blame on you and all the typical stuff and it's very easy to think you deserve it. feeling like my energy/love isn’t being reciprocated, feeling that the person doesn’t care about me, or that they are insincere/fake/have an ulterior motive. But my ex ended up being an unhealed fearful avoidant (I wasn’t aware), so once he flipped around 6 months in everything went to hell. Uncomfortable talking about feelings. 8. Our relationship lasted 3 years, and in that time, he broke up with me approximately every 3 months. Hopeful-Fly-7328. Fearful-avoidant attachment affects around 7% of the population. Don’t try to get into a relationship, then try to build it after you’re in it. 3- The cause: The cause of fearful-avoidant attachment can be attributed to a childhood environment characterized by a lack of consistent comfort and safety, often stemming from experiences such as having a neglectful or unpredictable caregiver or enduring abuse. ADMIN MOD. This I realized post breakup by reading about it. His consistent inconsistency and hot and cold behavior made my already anxious attachment style even more anxious. While out of town, he said he wanted me to be his wife and even started having financial talks with regard to that. Even if they seem like they've changed. Aftermath of the breakup. She’s a avoidant person and values space in the relationship which I didn’t give her (I’m an anxious type) but have learnt from my mistakes. He made sure I "found out" he was on dating profiles. I know…typical. Just be flirty and fun and don't be emotional whatsoever. After all, if they're still hung up on the idealised perfection of her, then they can't get too close to the person they're actually with. Sometimes it starts with weird excuses to avoid contact and sometimes they just outright disappear. So, the minute someone says no, they are no longer YOUR dream partner. Maybe you can help me. 3. Even if you were with them for years. Breaking up with avoidants can be very difficult, as they are unable to give you a definitive answer and are likely to exhibit a surprising amount of emotions in this situation. TLDR: Sharing insight/seeing perspective that I think I am finally ready to let go of my avoidant ex & start moving on - something i never thought i would feel. r/dismissiveavoidants: **This community isspecifically for those with a DA attachment style** This is to vent, support, and work towards having…. I have these intense intrusive thoughts. feeling like i Dealing with an dismissive avoidant ex. I’ve seen so many of my friends having the opportunity to sit down with their ex, try to fix thing or just to get closure by having an adult As an AP with a DA ex, I would prefer to be left alone so I can heal fully. However, you shouldn’t count on it as the avoidant is less likely to return to the relationship. Apply the strictest no contact rule there is – the indefinite no contact rule. He said he lost his sexual attraction and emotional connection to me but was hopeful it would return as he still found me very attractive its been four weeks of no contact, just recently broke it off to get my stuff back. After a week of no contact, we had a talk, and we decided A week later we talked in person, he told me he still needed to be alone but that when he was ready to be in a relationship again he was probably going to want to be with me. Creating distance or delay when asked for commitment. Any sort of social media looking or anything of the sort will set you back no matter how much you think it isn’t. Even if my ex reaches out and tell me that he’s working on his attachment style and his treatment to me, I would not give him a chance again. It fucking hurts, but it so much better than the constant highs and lows. In sum, a total of 9 months, but 5 with the bf/gf title. This subreddit is a gold mine and I am glad to have stumbled upon it. So while it seems spur of the moment it’s actually a longer term thought. My ex and I broke up in mid-Jan, and in late June, I heard from him. The theory behind somatic therapy is that trauma symptoms are the effects of instability of the ANS (autonomic nervous system). Not bashing avoidants, they can be respectful when they are self-aware and put in the work, but the person I was I wanna reiterate point 1: he was always genuinely nice, kind, polite and honest, he just didn't have the capacity to maintain a romantic relationship. He r/ExNoContact. Make sure you have a clear mind before you reach out. I tried to tell him what he was. MembersOnline. You have plenty to work on without that drama. If a DA reaches out, they care. We fought because he didn't want to spend the lockdown at my place and I was heartbroken that my lover does not want to be with me in the middle of a pandemic crisis. . I replied: He won’t show up again unless one day you decide to respond to this letter. 7. My avoidant ex girl friend broke up with me in June. A relationship requires you to show up with a constant yes. I took him at his word and he said I could wait for him. Ongoing support for break ups. If they judge or you don’t feel comfortable then that’s also telling you important info. Attachment Theory helps you understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child. Realising that you are at that stage is confusing and an eye opener it is when you truly let go. 5 of NC with my avoidant ex. This was the first person I loved in over 10 years and this was a serious relationship after I went through cancer. 2 1. Cut your ex off for good. But this doesn’t mean they will not deactivate again sometime in the future. They come back to see your reaction, test the waters, then leave and shelf you Yes. •. [deleted] To anyone dumped by an avoidant. My ex was extremely avoidant. 5. I became very attached, fell in love with her, and I Then meeting and trying to reconcile and talk about what happened in our relationship and our breakup. From the books I've read about attachment styles and relationships , it's not a gender thing as much as it is an emotional unavailability thing. I don’t think the people on the avoidant sub have done this and I am curious about gender differences in attachment theory. So basically she broke up with me but still had a lot of feelings for me and wanted to reconcile. He initiated the breakup, and I was devastated. Please also use the 'I Don't Know' option if you are unsure, or you're just here to learn! Thanks - the DA Mods. 73. He was insecure and anxious a lot during our relationship and I think the relationship (especially the last couple of months) have changed me from slightly anxious/secure to a full on anxious preoccupied mess. Avoid making breakup mistakes. An avoidant ex who keeps reappearing is dangerous. Sharing to hopefully comfort others like me that you can leave the cycle and welcoming any comments. “If we are unconsciously taught the mandate "don’t have feelings, don’t show feelings, don’t need anything from anyone, ever" - then running away is the best way we can safely accomplish that mandate. Allow him or her to contact you and chase you (exes don’t want to be chased – especially The phantom ex is one such strategy. I’m coming out of a 6yr on/off textbook My ex is so avoidant that anything that causes him to feel anything other than good emotions/peace he gets rid of in his life, such as deleting the photo of loved ones that have passed bc he doesn’t want to feel any sadness even though that would mean he’d never see a picture of them again. How long did it take your ex avoidant to reach out after a breakup/ NC? From what I have seen from many people it takes on average between 3-6 months, in some cases it did take more than a year. my DA ex, after apologizing for having hurt me during the worst deactivating and devaluating phases, suggested to evolve our relationship into a friendship. It would take him anywhere from 2 to 7 days to reach out again. After months of hot and cold mind games, I finally set strong boundaries and went no contact with a fearful-avoidant. Take this time to level up and you’ll come out winning. Depending what kind of relationship you had with them, it will reflect on how you treat those close to you as an adult. So, for starters. 19 votes, 16 comments. But I know without the kind of commitment you're willing to make, I'd be setting myself up to put my heart on the line, so I'd be wary in that case. Also known as Anxious Avoidant or Disorganized attachment. A self-aware FA will recognize when they are de-activating. Move on before you get hurt. ”. She's Fearful avoidant leaning Anxious. For background and not to get to specific but she has been through major emotional traumas in life. I *knew* he was going to come back to me, which is why I had such a hard time letting go the first time. While I am soft and warm and I want and give intimacy, he views that as unnecessary and needy. They come back if you don't chase and leave them alone. He ended it because he didn’t feel ready for something serious with me. If you do decide to respond, wait at least a month or longer. Communicate their boundaries and need for space in a healthy way. 6. So right now, I’m just focusing on myself and trying to become a secure and confident partner for my future other half, whoever that may be. And come back when they feel more regulated. They move on fast but don’t actually heal. They probably acted cold--even cruel during the breakup with little to Yes, the desire to have them back is real, the decision to actually do that or not is something entirely different from that desire. We need to work on ourselves otherwise this cycle will just continue. I knew he was avoidant fairly early into the relationship (he'd never been in love, never lived with a woman, never had a serious long-term relationship), but it did seem like DA/FA or 'Avoidant' should have the 'I Don't Know' or FA tag. He would have none of it. Let her come to you if you truly want an avoidant to come back. I say it that way because as an avoidant, she won't let me be there for her when she needs me. That's why most people who hear back from their avoidant exs are normally shocked since it's sometimes 8+months or even year+ and they are already moved on. They only feel safe to attach when its a new My avoidant BF was 100% committed, loving, emotionally available. • 2 mo. So me and my ex have been no contact for around 2 months and we agreed to meet up next month the last time I saw her. To an avoidant personality 30 days feels like 10 days. Not having the language to communicate or process how they feel effectively. Thats how i know he is avoidant to all aspects My ex is a confused and hurt human being, most likely avoidant, yet that is not an excuse to hurt another person. By clinging to the idea of her, they can keep you at a distance. Fearful Avoidant EX. There is very little to no accountability, nor the ability to grow, with this perspective. Unfortunately I'm not sure I'm going to get that chance in any case, let alone have her offer to work on herself. Build the relationship = Build trust through consistency and reliability. Yes — FAs do reactivate when their fear of abandonment kicks in. Ex No Contact is a breakup support group focused on self-reliance and general healing. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. I was very toxic and impulsive back then so I decided to just delete everything and she felt that she was abandoned by me. People, including avoidants, do have feelings and so yes it is possible that they come back. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. To an anxious personality 30 days feels like 60 days. Currently dealing with an avoidant situationship myself. But if you are doing this because you feel bad about what you did or how it went, and you want to feel better by apologizing- just don’t. Don’t contact her after the two weeks. I try to distract myself in order to try and retain some sanity but I'm usually crying for the first week or two. Sometimes their actions are enough to realize they will never change. On days I don't feel low, I build up courage to say to myself that I'm better off without my dismissive avoidant ex. My boyfriend of five years was dismissive avoidant. My ex broke up with me suddenly several years ago, he's a dismissive avoidant in general but was pretty fearful avoidant during the relationship. I read lots of psychological advice and they are polarized: some would tell you to go no contact and act like you’ve moved on to make an avoidant miss you, others would say it’s important to show them you will always be around and support them Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. My ex was a fearful avoidant too. 24. No Contact does not work for Avoidant attachment style. My avoidant ex of 3 years got engaged 3-4 months after the breakup, to a guy that I expressed my discomfort of her being around. I’ve not experienced a lot of breakups, but I can assure you this is the worst type of breakup because you simply can’t expect anything from them. These people typically come from households with avoidant figures in it who neglected, dismissed--sometimes punished them for being themselves. UnsnugHero. First off, you need to self soothe, pull back and stop contacting your partner. Don't act desperate. I am am anxious attachment style. Otherwise_Machine903. He needs therapy. This is a subreddit for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. Went no contact with fearful-avoidant. Act on those changes. Build a back catalog of experiences of being warm, patient, understanding, non pressuring. We dated for a few months 5 years ago If you’ve been involved with a dismissive avoidant for too long, there’s a high chance you’re trauma bonded and that is a challenge in itself to break. I dated a woman, who I saw as the love of my life for just under a year. Our members listen, support, and encourage each other on their path to independence. It was a reverse discard. So I was with my avoidant ex about 6-7 months. Seeing her mother in the act of cheating on her dad in middle school, toxic exes, violent For any of you who are pining over an avoidant ex and hoping they'll come back, please consider my story a cautionary tale. Wait for the avoidant to experience difficulties with someone else. thatgirl4424. My ex is (at least thats how i see it) a hardcore dismissive avoidant. My ex is 51. Mine always had headaches, stomach upset, was always tired (ran on caffeine) , could be very cynical and angry, could be very distant, couldn't sleep well. We keep getting back together, but we both are still not secure, so it never works out. we were never ‘friends’ before, we started as lovers, everything was too intense and there’s still some physical attraction. Listen to your intuition! 4. theblackcatail. He went no contact immediately (I honestly didn’t know no contact Intense intrusive thoughts. You'll get stuck in an on and off relationship cycle. So, understanding your attachment style will help you understand how and why we select our future Getting over an avoidant ex. We had a pretty much perfect and lovely a year of relationship — we knew each other for 5 years already before having romantic relationship. Could be weeks could be months. It is only when avoidants are broken up with, or otherwise their ex becomes truly 2. It's a great way to learn and connect with eachother. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. Since about one month and a half my ex broke up with me. Difficulty expressing affection and extreme hesitancy or fear saying the ‘L’ word. wm dl gk if nc uv sx cu pe dj